I look awful in my new passport photo. Not just bland and unattractive, but like a really terrible person. No, I’m not going to post that picture – it’s hideous. Even my normally adorable children look like schoolyard bullies.

The passport office doesn’t allow smiling so they can match you in surveillance footage. But with the harsh lighting, dull background, and the no smiling rule, you already look guilty of something.

If I get arrested or go missing on this trip, I wish the State Department could use my very first passport photo for the wanted posters and media outlets. Just look how pretty I was at 26 – so bright eyed and innocent – about to embark on my first international trip. Not like the hardened criminal I’ve become.